New.

Life feels like its falling apart. 

I don't like this feeling. I hate it, actually.

Something I've always wanted for as long as I can remember is finally happening. Adulthood. Well, turns out it's only what I wanted in theory. So who can I speak to about quitting this so called adulthood? It's sucking pretty bad so far. I really feel like quitting. I don't like this feeling. I hate it, actually. 

So what do I do? Well, lately all I've been doing is sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Every single little thing seems to discourage me. My room is a mess. Clean laundry is mixed in with dirty, I have to sniff my shirts to find out if they're clean or not. My phone screen is shattered, it's really getting on my nerves. I seem to never have money because I keep spending it on useless things. I could go on for days about these little things that are sucking the life out of me, but I'd only tell you these things to run away from the real issue. Me.

My alarm rang at 9:40. I snoozed it I don't even know how many times, and finally struggled to pull myself out of bed to get to work at 11. I could feel my mind heavy with a clutter of sadness, anger, ideas, discomfort and lack of motivation. But I had to go, I took my time getting out of the car to delay facing a battle that awaited for me behind those doors that seemed to be so close, yet so far away from me. 

I had been keeping to myself those days, I was actually getting used to being so quiet and invisible. It brought some strange comfort. But, as I sat there and thought of who I was and what my values were, I kind of freaked out. I had this pitiful vision of a future where I would always be quiet and invisible and unhappy. No. I had to do something. I had to come up with a strategy, I had to have an idea, I had to discover a solution, I had to do SOMETHING. 

But then, I sipped my tea, held my tears and closed my eyes. "I" this person I spoke of, has ZERO power to do anything... I looked down at my hands through my foggy vision~ I can't depend on myself for this. My own actions can only go so far. And then, just like a cliché supernatural movie moment, I had this crazy light shine through the windows.... No, I'm kidding. I just simply thought of a guy.

I'm sure you've heard about this one guy, his name is Jesus. He made all these sacrifices for me a long time ago, he even died so I could live. I'm supposed to be like him; I was created in his image and likeness. So in recapitulation of the last few months... Have I been honoring this man with my life and actions? The answer is pretty easy to "find out" but very hard to admit. No. Not at all. Not even one bit. I wish you could see my struggle right now with writing this next sentence. What does one say after admitting that one has failed? What CAN one say for oneself? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All I can possibly do now is show in my actions how I recognize this error and keep going. I'll be honest, I don't know how. I have NO IDEA how, but I can make a promise to myself, and no one else, that I will change. Even if I let myself down a couple times, I refuse to fall back into the black hole in which I've made my home lately. I can't do it alone, so good thing I know I'm not. 

ABV