Attention spans are awful.

Isn't it funny how one is more likely to read a small paragraph rather than an entire page? I was always that overachiever in school that wrote 627 words for a 500 word paper, so I can only assume this ''overdoing'' will catch up to me here, too. I find myself, too often, OVER looking into things, taking things personally.


ABV

not quite sure

Not sure, why or how; but every now and then I find myself coming back here and re-reading these posts. 
Not sure why or how; but I have always been able to be brutally and painfully honest in these posts.
Not sure why or how; but I get a mixture of ''wow I'm so pleased with myself'' and ''eww how embarrassing, who is ever going to read this?''


ABV

New.

Life feels like its falling apart. 

I don't like this feeling. I hate it, actually.

Something I've always wanted for as long as I can remember is finally happening. Adulthood. Well, turns out it's only what I wanted in theory. So who can I speak to about quitting this so called adulthood? It's sucking pretty bad so far. I really feel like quitting. I don't like this feeling. I hate it, actually. 

So what do I do? Well, lately all I've been doing is sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Every single little thing seems to discourage me. My room is a mess. Clean laundry is mixed in with dirty, I have to sniff my shirts to find out if they're clean or not. My phone screen is shattered, it's really getting on my nerves. I seem to never have money because I keep spending it on useless things. I could go on for days about these little things that are sucking the life out of me, but I'd only tell you these things to run away from the real issue. Me.

My alarm rang at 9:40. I snoozed it I don't even know how many times, and finally struggled to pull myself out of bed to get to work at 11. I could feel my mind heavy with a clutter of sadness, anger, ideas, discomfort and lack of motivation. But I had to go, I took my time getting out of the car to delay facing a battle that awaited for me behind those doors that seemed to be so close, yet so far away from me. 

I had been keeping to myself those days, I was actually getting used to being so quiet and invisible. It brought some strange comfort. But, as I sat there and thought of who I was and what my values were, I kind of freaked out. I had this pitiful vision of a future where I would always be quiet and invisible and unhappy. No. I had to do something. I had to come up with a strategy, I had to have an idea, I had to discover a solution, I had to do SOMETHING. 

But then, I sipped my tea, held my tears and closed my eyes. "I" this person I spoke of, has ZERO power to do anything... I looked down at my hands through my foggy vision~ I can't depend on myself for this. My own actions can only go so far. And then, just like a cliché supernatural movie moment, I had this crazy light shine through the windows.... No, I'm kidding. I just simply thought of a guy.

I'm sure you've heard about this one guy, his name is Jesus. He made all these sacrifices for me a long time ago, he even died so I could live. I'm supposed to be like him; I was created in his image and likeness. So in recapitulation of the last few months... Have I been honoring this man with my life and actions? The answer is pretty easy to "find out" but very hard to admit. No. Not at all. Not even one bit. I wish you could see my struggle right now with writing this next sentence. What does one say after admitting that one has failed? What CAN one say for oneself? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All I can possibly do now is show in my actions how I recognize this error and keep going. I'll be honest, I don't know how. I have NO IDEA how, but I can make a promise to myself, and no one else, that I will change. Even if I let myself down a couple times, I refuse to fall back into the black hole in which I've made my home lately. I can't do it alone, so good thing I know I'm not. 

ABV

Unfamiliarity

For some reason today I thought of this blog. I haven't been here in forever. Kind of feels like unfamiliar territory. I'm appalled. No, disgusted. No... Maybe the right word is scared. Yeah, I think that's the best word to describe how I'm feeling. Usually when people look back on things they've written, or pictures or videos and stuff like that, they think "oh wow, how stupid was I?" or "man, I just made a fool out of myself, thank God I'm wiser today." can you relate to this feeling? So can I. But in the complete opposite way. I was so much wiser two years ago when I wrote these posts on here. I was in Florida doing a worship leading internship, my heart was at peace, and my relationships were stable. Where am I now? What happened? Where could I have possibly gone wrong?


ABV

2 Corinthians 5:7

Paradise

Today has been one of those days... Not the bad ones, the REALLY REALLY REALLY good ones. It's been a humbling day of realization.
For so long everything has been so bad; the past has been haunting me and same mistakes keep me from changing. So what's the first thing one does when one reaches the ''dead end''? One loses hope and wears the ''I don't care'' attitude. Well... at least I did. Blamed the world by acting blameless, hated life for teaching me a lesson, and flat out stopped caring. Why? Please tell me, why? How stupid of me to think that way. I wanted things to be forgotten, I wanted to start over, I wanted to run away; but how does that fix anything? I never actually tried fixing anything, I just expected things to fall back into normal effortlessly. But this week, I snapped out of it; thanks to a person that a week ago, was completely meaningless to me. I put things into perspective and finally understood the true meaning of Psalm 30:5, which I took so literally before. The ''night'' part doesn't necessarily mean 6PM-11PM and ''day'' doesn't mean ''I'll wake up and everything will be okay''. So what does it mean? Well, I'll leave that for you to think about. It won't have the same effect if I just tell you. But I will tell you this: it has been a great day.

ABV

He shall live forever

Yahweh

Lonesome

Apfelbaum

Sometimes, I lack inspiration.

The tide is high, the moon is out, we're sailing

Sometimes I get lazy. Not by choice or because anything happened, but just because. I don't even know if that makes any sense... By lazy I mean distant. But not JUST distant, or else I would have used the word 'distant' in the first place. It's just that I don't do anything about it, I don't try to fix it in any way, making me ''distantly lazy''. Why? I don't even understand... There are just those days, like today, where I pretend. Most of the events in my day have been all an act, not by choice or because anything happened, but just because. I feel empty, colorless and my mood is very monotonous. I have this vehement desire to change, to be different, but it just doesn't happen. All is a blur. Now I'm babbling, talking about nothing, going around and around, or maybe it just feels like it because no matter how much I try I don't think anyone understands or will ever understand. Whilst all else is confused, I have one outlet that won't ever fail. I guess that's all that matters.


ABV 

''We're adrift on a sailboat
My love is the sea
Yours is the horizon
Constant and steady

You set my limbs locked hard afloat
Lifted my lonesome sails
The tide is out, the moon is high
We're sailing

Darling, your love is healing
It makes the bitter sweet
Warms the winter to spring again
Secures the colds defeat

We're cutting anchor
Casting out into the glorious deep
The tide is out, the moon is high
We're sailing

When we've succumb
To decrepitude
Still our love
Will remain in its youth

The tide is out, the moon is high
We're sailing
We're sailing
We're sailing''

Brooke Fraser

Goodbye Summer 2011

Let the sun shine on my face.