New.

Life feels like its falling apart. 

I don't like this feeling. I hate it, actually.

Something I've always wanted for as long as I can remember is finally happening. Adulthood. Well, turns out it's only what I wanted in theory. So who can I speak to about quitting this so called adulthood? It's sucking pretty bad so far. I really feel like quitting. I don't like this feeling. I hate it, actually. 

So what do I do? Well, lately all I've been doing is sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Every single little thing seems to discourage me. My room is a mess. Clean laundry is mixed in with dirty, I have to sniff my shirts to find out if they're clean or not. My phone screen is shattered, it's really getting on my nerves. I seem to never have money because I keep spending it on useless things. I could go on for days about these little things that are sucking the life out of me, but I'd only tell you these things to run away from the real issue. Me.

My alarm rang at 9:40. I snoozed it I don't even know how many times, and finally struggled to pull myself out of bed to get to work at 11. I could feel my mind heavy with a clutter of sadness, anger, ideas, discomfort and lack of motivation. But I had to go, I took my time getting out of the car to delay facing a battle that awaited for me behind those doors that seemed to be so close, yet so far away from me. 

I had been keeping to myself those days, I was actually getting used to being so quiet and invisible. It brought some strange comfort. But, as I sat there and thought of who I was and what my values were, I kind of freaked out. I had this pitiful vision of a future where I would always be quiet and invisible and unhappy. No. I had to do something. I had to come up with a strategy, I had to have an idea, I had to discover a solution, I had to do SOMETHING. 

But then, I sipped my tea, held my tears and closed my eyes. "I" this person I spoke of, has ZERO power to do anything... I looked down at my hands through my foggy vision~ I can't depend on myself for this. My own actions can only go so far. And then, just like a cliché supernatural movie moment, I had this crazy light shine through the windows.... No, I'm kidding. I just simply thought of a guy.

I'm sure you've heard about this one guy, his name is Jesus. He made all these sacrifices for me a long time ago, he even died so I could live. I'm supposed to be like him; I was created in his image and likeness. So in recapitulation of the last few months... Have I been honoring this man with my life and actions? The answer is pretty easy to "find out" but very hard to admit. No. Not at all. Not even one bit. I wish you could see my struggle right now with writing this next sentence. What does one say after admitting that one has failed? What CAN one say for oneself? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All I can possibly do now is show in my actions how I recognize this error and keep going. I'll be honest, I don't know how. I have NO IDEA how, but I can make a promise to myself, and no one else, that I will change. Even if I let myself down a couple times, I refuse to fall back into the black hole in which I've made my home lately. I can't do it alone, so good thing I know I'm not. 

ABV

Unfamiliarity

For some reason today I thought of this blog. I haven't been here in forever. Kind of feels like unfamiliar territory. I'm appalled. No, disgusted. No... Maybe the right word is scared. Yeah, I think that's the best word to describe how I'm feeling. Usually when people look back on things they've written, or pictures or videos and stuff like that, they think "oh wow, how stupid was I?" or "man, I just made a fool out of myself, thank God I'm wiser today." can you relate to this feeling? So can I. But in the complete opposite way. I was so much wiser two years ago when I wrote these posts on here. I was in Florida doing a worship leading internship, my heart was at peace, and my relationships were stable. Where am I now? What happened? Where could I have possibly gone wrong?


ABV

2 Corinthians 5:7

Paradise

Today has been one of those days... Not the bad ones, the REALLY REALLY REALLY good ones. It's been a humbling day of realization.
For so long everything has been so bad; the past has been haunting me and same mistakes keep me from changing. So what's the first thing one does when one reaches the ''dead end''? One loses hope and wears the ''I don't care'' attitude. Well... at least I did. Blamed the world by acting blameless, hated life for teaching me a lesson, and flat out stopped caring. Why? Please tell me, why? How stupid of me to think that way. I wanted things to be forgotten, I wanted to start over, I wanted to run away; but how does that fix anything? I never actually tried fixing anything, I just expected things to fall back into normal effortlessly. But this week, I snapped out of it; thanks to a person that a week ago, was completely meaningless to me. I put things into perspective and finally understood the true meaning of Psalm 30:5, which I took so literally before. The ''night'' part doesn't necessarily mean 6PM-11PM and ''day'' doesn't mean ''I'll wake up and everything will be okay''. So what does it mean? Well, I'll leave that for you to think about. It won't have the same effect if I just tell you. But I will tell you this: it has been a great day.

ABV

He shall live forever

Yahweh

Lonesome

Apfelbaum

Sometimes, I lack inspiration.

The tide is high, the moon is out, we're sailing

Sometimes I get lazy. Not by choice or because anything happened, but just because. I don't even know if that makes any sense... By lazy I mean distant. But not JUST distant, or else I would have used the word 'distant' in the first place. It's just that I don't do anything about it, I don't try to fix it in any way, making me ''distantly lazy''. Why? I don't even understand... There are just those days, like today, where I pretend. Most of the events in my day have been all an act, not by choice or because anything happened, but just because. I feel empty, colorless and my mood is very monotonous. I have this vehement desire to change, to be different, but it just doesn't happen. All is a blur. Now I'm babbling, talking about nothing, going around and around, or maybe it just feels like it because no matter how much I try I don't think anyone understands or will ever understand. Whilst all else is confused, I have one outlet that won't ever fail. I guess that's all that matters.


ABV 

''We're adrift on a sailboat
My love is the sea
Yours is the horizon
Constant and steady

You set my limbs locked hard afloat
Lifted my lonesome sails
The tide is out, the moon is high
We're sailing

Darling, your love is healing
It makes the bitter sweet
Warms the winter to spring again
Secures the colds defeat

We're cutting anchor
Casting out into the glorious deep
The tide is out, the moon is high
We're sailing

When we've succumb
To decrepitude
Still our love
Will remain in its youth

The tide is out, the moon is high
We're sailing
We're sailing
We're sailing''

Brooke Fraser

Goodbye Summer 2011

Let the sun shine on my face.

Chill out, bro

I don't understand how those annoying people that never leave the house without their schedules/agendas/blackberries live. Well, actually, I lied. I know, I used to be one of them until a dear friend taught me, that literally, all you need is love. Everything else is temporary...

Plans WILL go wrong, you WILL be late, your gas WILL run out, your kid WILL have to pee during a car ride, your dog WILL puke on the floor, your phone WILL run out of battery when you most need it; unexpected things happen, it's called life. What good comes out of living on a schedule and worrying when events don't go as planned? In Philippians 4:6, Paul says: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Too often, we humans, think we're smarter than God; we do what we want, when we want and there's no stopping us. We'll tell God "sit this one out, I got it" and 100% of the time whatever we were working on fails tremendously and then we'll come crawling back to God asking for forgiveness, a common cycle. I don't know if you know this, but God has a plan for your life. A very complex, customized and GREAT plan (I guarantee his plan is MUCH better than yours) So why worry? In Matthew 22:29 it says that we sin because we do not know the scriptures, so with knowing this, what shall we do? Change won't come easy, no one said the road to Christ was going to be easy, but with prayer, passion and dedication we can go very far. We will never be good enough for God, ever. But God sees our heart, so if our hearts are pure and our intentions are genuine, God will be made happy and life will have more meaning (notice I didn't say life would be easier). So with that being said, go with the flow! It's okay to have a plan, irresponsibility is not an option and it's not what I'm suggesting you do either. Have your plan, follow it, but if God wants you to change it, obey him. That's what I mean by "go with the flow" the flow is God, you go where he takes you. So instead of worrying, stressing, doubting and anguishing, here's a thought: enjoy those around you! That was my solution. Simple as that. Ecclesiastes 3 is your friend :)

ABV

Silly

This whole blogging idea is merely silly to me, yet I do it. Which consequently shows I don't mind being silly. -Realization of the day #1
Okay, I'm done being pointless.
It's 5:20 in the morning,
Good day to all.

When my heart and flesh depart this place, from a life that sung your song; you'll still be the one I want.

Arithmetic

Bliss

I find peace in the one who comforts me.

False Advertising

Isn't it funny how one is most likely to read a short paragraph rather than an entire page? Yet they expect to get the same ''outcome''. They'll read the synopsis of a book, take a test on it, fail it, and wonder why. Being a Christian, in a way, works the same. You can't expect God to shower you with blessings if you don't do what he has called you to do. Feeding the homeless will not get you a ticket to eternity. People have this insane idea that ''doing good deeds'' and ''being a good person'' will get them somewhere; newsflash: IT WON'T. No matter how hard we try we will never be good enough to roam God's courts, yet he has chosen us (not us chosen him) to be his people. The Bible states in Romans 10 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord,"and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. It's a hard concept to grasp, but JUST believing isn't enough, because Satan himself believes that God exists and in my opinion, so do Atheists; the only problem is, they refuse to ''give in''. The road to salvation consists of you putting God in front of all else in your life, making him your Lord and Saviour and trusting in him. Saying 'I Believe' is easy, but notice the verse states: For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified. That's the overwhelming part. So if you're in this, you're in it all the way; and once you're in, there's no turning back, that's the beauty of it to me. No matter how much it has worked for you in the past, just reading the synopsis won't suffice this time. Give it your all, you won't be disappointed Jeremiah 29:11.


ABV

My not so glamorous beginning

When I first came up with the idea of making a blog, I imagined it to be something glamorous, pleasant and beautiful to whoever read it. I remember I'd picture myself as this very intellectual hipster looking character, sitting in a coffee shop, surrounded by more hipster looking people, just writing. Writing gold. Valuable lessons, points, ideas, and all those other things you'd expect to see in a blog. But in reality, I'm just a confused person trying to make a way in this life; as cliché as it sounds, I can't deny the accuracy of that statement. I don't know if it's just me that does this, but I find myself changing my mind often; too often. At times it's for the better, and others not so much. So instead of pretending to be something I'm not, or doing whatever the heck else I thought I'd do in this blog, I have decided its' purpose is just to keep track of my ideas to maybe help me live a more organized and sane life. Or maybe this everything will backfire and I'll fail miserably. But let's hope option A wins. 

ABV